Sins of the Father
by blackwidow73
Summary: John has his reasons for leaving Gemma, for not wanting to be around while she's mourning the death of their son. Mainly about Gemma and John but there will be a lot of Gemma/Clay.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Gone

Gemma sat there on the ground, her body leaning against the wall of the stall that she had been occupying. It hadn't been too long since Thomas had died, maybe fifteen minutes.

All she was trying to do right now was regulate her breathing. Her glossy brown eyes stared into space. She had just finished vomitting, the perfect end to her little scene that she had caused. As soon as she noticed on the monitor that Thomas's heart was beginning to flatline. She screamed for someone to come and help him.

Deep down though, she knew that there was nothing that could have been done. She wasn't even sure as to why she had been calling for a doctor. Maybe so that she wouldn't have to be alone when Thomas officially died?

FInally, she pushed herself to her feet and walked out to the sink. She took a minute to freshen herself, get rid of the mascara stains from under her eyes, neaten her hair a little. After she was done, she let out a heavy sigh. Her hands clasped onto the edges of the sink as she examined herself in the mirror. That break down that she had out there, that was all that she was going to allow herself to have.

Now she had to get back out there and act as though she were okay. She had to make sure that could get home and take care of Jax. Gemma had more important things to do than sit around and have everyone pity her. She even had a funeral that she had to plan. And all of this, she knew she would be doing on her own. In all honesty, she would rather do this all on her own. John hadn't been there lately and she hated him for his abadonment. She hated how he made her feel anymore.

Ever since Thomas had started getting worse, John had been spending more and more time away from home. He left her to lay alone in bed and worry at night, he left her to watch Thomas slip further and further from her each day. And most recently, he left her to watch her baby boy die right before her eyes.

She got through all of that, she could get through the next few weeks without him.

Besides, it wasn't as though she were completely alone. Clay had been there for her. In the past couple of months he had been stopping by more and more just to check on her, just to make sure that Jax was doing okay. They would talk. He made her feel less empty and numb. He made her a little happy when she needed it most. His presence was enough for her, Clay never had to do anything extravagent. He was simply there.

Gemma let go of the sink and turned to leave. She couldn't handle this place anymore, it was starting to make her feel sick to her stomach. She left the restroom and hurried down the hall, her heels harshly clicking against the floor.

As she reached the waiting room where the guys were waiting for her, she made sure to keep her held high. "Let's get outta here," she coldly stated, wiping her face with the back of her hand. She wasn't about to let herself start crying all over again.

The men had stood as soon as they heard her coming. All of them were concerend, and only watched as she passed them. It was Clay who finally followed her and the rest went to go to the club house.

oooooo

John sat on the plane, staring blankly ahead of him. Right now, he imagined that his wife was screaming at the nurses, telling them that they had to do something. Gemma was probably throwing a fit in the hospital, showing her rage and hiding the absolute emptiness and brokeness that she must be feeling. His son had to of been dead by now. There was no doubting it.

He had only been in Charming for the day, just long enough to see his son and say goodbye, just long enough to put him out of his misery and allow his wife to move on with her life.

The guilt was starting to eat away at him for what he had done, but it was something that he had to do. Thomas had been in a coma for four months now. There was no real hope of him getting any better. They were simply just standing there, watching him as he slowly died. In a way it seemed cruel what they were doing, dragging out the process of his illness eating away at him just so that they didn't have to say goodbye just yet.

Thomas's living wasn't doing any one else any good either. Gemma had been spending most of her time at the hopsital. She'd pretty much stopped eating, stopped sleeping. She stopped taking care of herself, all just so that she would have more time to sit in that dready hospital room next to her baby.

That left Jax to basically take care of himself at the age of nine. Gemma was only home at night anymore, just enough to feed Jax dinner and get some of the housework done. On weekends he was mainly over with Opie.

Mercy killing his youngest son was the best thing that he could have done for his family. John kept reminding himself of what he had left behind. Since he had been spending most of his time up in Ireland, he had relied mainly on Clay and Piney to tell him how his family was doing. It used to be Gemma that would keep him updated, but lately she had been giving him the cold shoulder.

As the plane landed, he shook the thoughts of his wife from his head. Although he loved Gemma, he couldn't handle being with his family right now. Too much was going wrong. He wasn't strong enough to help her pick up the pieces and move on with their lives. In his mind, he would have just been a burden on her and Jax anyways. Those were the words he told himself every night that he spent with Maureen to assure him that what he was doing was okay.

It was never supposed to happen, Maureen. He just met her while he was trying to work up a deal with the Irish. He was out with a few guys and saw her at the bar. There she was with golden hair, soft features. She was sweet and charming. She was gentle. And she was willing to listen to him about his problems. Maureen knew everything that was going on with his family. She was understanding.

Now, the two had a daughter together. And today was Trinity's third birthday. That was the reason he had to return to Ireland so quickly, was to be there for his daughter's birthday.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Need

No one could ever be all that sure as to what to expect at a showing for a child. Most times the room would be filled with people swapping stories about the deceased. There would be an air of sadness, but nothing like this. When there was a child involved, even the funnier stories shared ended in tears.

Gemma sat in the corner of the room. Most of the people had already left, the only ones remaining were a few club members. Her son Jax was fast asleep, his head resting on her lap as she ran her fingers through his light blonde hair. He was the only family that she had left at the moment.

"Do you need anything before I go?"

Gemma was brought back to the present, her eyes shifting to the familiar figure before her, Piney. "No," she flatly answered. "We'll be fine," she assured him.

Piney nodded, knowing that she didn't want to speak further on the topic. She was neevr one to accept pity, but he still had to offer her help. As he was just about to turn and leave, it dawned on him what was really bothering her, the one thing that could have been adding more stress to an already emotionally exhausting situation. "I'm sure he'll be here for the burial tomorrow," he stated.

In all honesty, it surprised him that John had decided not to return home for the showing. This was his son.

A soft scoff emitted from the woman. Her eyes moved down to her son as she shook her head. "John doesn't give a shit," she stated. In her mind, John had died long before Thomas. Or at least their marriage had. Surely what they had wasn't much, not if he had no problem just leaving her like this.

As bad as it was, she also did not want to see John there. She didn't want to see him standing there, looking as though he cared about any of this. It would only upset her to see John finally deciding to show up after everything that had happened, to come back just as she was putting the pieces back together. He stayed the hell away from her when she was at her worst, constantly worried about Thomas and then the night of his death. He wasn't going to be welcomed back into her life now.

Piney sighed. He wasn't sure what to say to that. He knew that if he said anything to defend John that he would only upset her, and if he agreed with her, it wouldn't help her at all. He simply nodded and turned to leave.

Clay stood in the opposite corner of the room. He had been waiting for Gemma. Since John wasn't there, he volunteered to drive her to and from the showings and the burial. Once he saw that the place was cleared out after Piney and the remaining guys left, he stepped over towards the brunette. "I think it's time we left too," he told her.

He wasn't going to say it to her, but he was truly worried about her. She looked weaker, tired. It was as though everything was finally catching up to her and taking a physical toll on her.

Gemma nodded in agreement. She was about to wake Jax, but Clay held up his hand and proceeded to take the boy into his arms to carry him to the car. "He's had a long day," he mentioned.

"Thanks," she replied as she stood to her feet. She straightened her dress and grabbed her purse.

"You ready?" he asked, watching her more than he should be.

"Yeah," she replied, briefly catching eye contact with him. "Let's go."

oooooo

John stood in the kitchen, looking out through the window. He was aware that he had missed the viewing, and he was taking no action to get back to California in time for the burial. He just couldn't bare to look at any of his family right now.

The worst part wouldn't even be seeing Thomas laying there in the casket. It would be seeing Gemma standing there, cursing to herself. It would be seeing her put on her best act to seem all right, not accepting help to take care of Jax. He would know that was ready to fall apart, that all she wants is someone to be able to take her home and hold her for a while.

In a way, it hurt to know that he wouldn't be the one to help her. More than anything he wanted to be able to go back home and help his family. He just couldn't at the moment. The guilt was all too much.

Besides, he was sure there had been something between her and Clay. They didn't do anything in front of him, but the last time that he was there he could just see it. The way they looked at each other, the overall protectiveness on Clay's part. Clay was the only one at the hospital besides Gemma when he got there that morning. Whether or not their relationship was sexual, he was pretty sure that if he called home, Clay would be there.

"What are ya doing up?"

John turned, slightly startled be the presence. It was Maureen, the new woman in his life. "Just couldn't sleep," he sighed before turning back to face the window. It wasn't as if he really wanted to talk right now. Later he would tell her everything, but just not this very moment. "Go on and get back to sleep. Triny will be getting up in a couple of hours," he added.

Maureen walked up behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. She kissed the back of his neck. "I think ya need your rest too," she told him.

John turned and offered her a smile as she let go of his shoulders. "I'll be there in a few minutes. Alright?" he replied.

"Alright," she responded and then retreated back to the bedroom.

He just stood there, watching her walk away from him. The images were streaming through his mind. Every time that he closed his eyes he could see himself pulling out the syringe and sticking the needle into his son. He found the arm in which a lot of his shots had been administered. He remembered convincing himself that Thomas was already dead.

If Thomas were already dead though, then why the hell was he feeling so guilty? Because he was the one who killed him. Thomas might have looked dead, but that didn't mean that he was there yet.

His hands were clenched into tight fists at his side. All he wanted to do was punch something, most preferably himself. If he could find a mirror to shatter he would. However, he couldn't. He couldn't wake Trinity and he didn't want to have to explain anything to Maureen right now.

oooooo

Clay sat at the kitchen table, one that he had sat at many times before now. John had had him over for a few drinks, there were nights where he would be over for dinner. There was one time where he had watched the kids while John and Gemma went on a small over night trip together.

Now here he was, getting closer to his best friend's wife. He should have left by now. Gemma and Jax were home safe and doing fine. That was all he had to make sure of, his job was done. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to leave. He needed to see her just one more time.

His eyes slightly lit up as he heard the heels clicking against the floor, she was making her way back out towards the kitchen. "How's he holdin up?" he asked.

Gemma smirked to him as she stood in the entrance way. Her hand was placed on her hip. "He claims he's alright," she replied. "Tells me that he doesn't want me to worry about him."

Clay chuckled at the comment. "Sounds like someone else we know," he remarked.

Gemma just nodded, not really wanting to start talking about herself. Her hands fell to her sides as she made her way over to the counter. "You want some coffee or something?" she offered.

"No," Clay sighed, standing from the table. It was hard for him to leave, but he knew that he had to. The woman was burying her son the very next day, and she was still married to his best friend. He got to see her one last time like he wanted. That was good enough. Anything else could lead to unneeded complications.

There was also the fact that John could show up at anytime. It wasn't likely, no one had heard from him, but it was still possible.

Gemma turned and looked to him. She was a little disappointed that he would be leaving. He was the only person she really had to turn to at this point. She knew that he would be there for her after the funeral, but she needed him now. "Just remember to be here at nine. I gotta be there early," she reminded him, not wanting to show that she had been let down by him.

Clay nodded to her before turning and heading towards the door. All he wanted to do was get her through this before they did anything. "Night Gemma," he said as he reached the door.

"Wait."

She wasn't sure why she said that. It was as if she had temporarily lost control of herself. She knew better than to try and do anything now. Still, she needed him. Whether or not it was a good idea, she needed him.

Her eyes stayed glued to him as she walked over to join him. He seemed to be frozen, watching her with interest. Neither of them were surprised really, just wondering why it was happening now.

Gemma placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned in, kissing him on the lips. Once Clay wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him, she took her hands and started running them through his hair. Grabbing handfuls of his hair and pulling his head closer to her as they harshly, yet passionately kissed.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for waiting such a long time to update. I just got kind of stuck and then things happened. So yeah. But here is chapter three. It's a short one because there's a lot that's going to happen in the next one and I just couldn't really add any more to this one without taking away from the next one. **

Chapter 3: Getting Through the Night

Everything about this should have felt wrong, it should have left both of them with some sense of shame or regret. It didn't. As Gemma lay there next to Clay in the bed that she was supposed to share with John, the only thing she could think about was how grateful she was that he was there. She never would have admitted it, but she did not want to be alone tonight and if her own husband was not going to be there, she was going to rely on the one man who was, the one who had been there for her throughout most of this time.

She turned her head, watching as Clay peacefully slept beside her. It didn't look as though he had any problem with what had just happened. He took the president's old lady, but he didn't care. Then again, it had probably been obvious to everyone that she had been slipping away from John for a while now.

It was weird remembering that day. In the back of her mind, Gemma had always expected it to come. There were complications with Thomas from the second he was born. Hell, she had even had a couple of scares while she was still pregnant with him. Either way, she was the one who had seen him collapse in the park, and she was the one that held his little hand while they waited to hear from the doctor. There was this oddly serene look to his eyes, something that caught her off guard. Thomas seemed sad, but there was no fear. To this day, there's a part of her that believes he knew it was the end. And that to her was more heart breaking than anything else, to be that young and have some understanding that your time on this earth is coming to an end.

In defeat, Gemma carefully climbed out of bed and grabbed her robe. Glancing back to Clay, she supposed that maybe she should wake him so that he could leave and Jax wouldn't see him and get the wrong idea. Then again, maybe it was time for Jax to start getting used to seeing him around all the time. If John was really going to abandon his family like this, perhaps he would be glad to find out that he can easily be replaced. Jealousy was a dangerous game to play with these men, but she was caring less and less with each passing day.

She decided it wasn't worth it to wake him yet. A part of her simply did not want him to leave, to leave her to lie alone in that bed another bed. At least not tonight, and most likely, not tomorrow night either.

Gemma pulled the robe around her waist and left the room. Her plan was to head straight for the living room and grab her cigarettes that she had left on the coffee table, but she couldn't. She could not make it down the hall without stopping for a moment at the door that she hadn't opened since Thomas had gone into the hospital.

It was silly. She had promised Thomas that while he was in the hospital that no one would go into his room. He never liked people messing with his things. Even when he took a turn for the worst and slipped into a coma, she decided to keep that promise, mostly because it made things easier on her. It gave her an excuse to keep his door closed and not have to see the empty bed. It kept her from having to see the toys that she had scolded him for leaving scattered on the ground as they were getting ready to go to the park together. There were probably things in there that he had stolen from Jax hidden around in there. He never mentioned it, but she could see that he had always wanted to be just like his older brother. It also kept her from seeing the messy, unmade bed that she had expected to tuck him into that night.

Even now in his death, she felt it wrong just to consider entering his room. Her eyes narrowed on the doorknob as she pursed her lips. Something within her, even feeling bad about it, wanted to finally open that door. She wanted to finally see the room, just one last time before her little boy was buried. Maybe it was to find something to lay in his coffin with him or to just remind herself of what the room looked like.

She briefly closed her eyes and took a small breath before slowly reaching out to twist the handle. It felt as though she had taken several minutes to open the door, but it was still open too early.

Gemma stood there frozen, her eyes scanning the dark room. She could make out the outlines of the furniture, the bed pushed against the side of the wall with his toy chest at the end of it. There was his dresser on the opposite side. Everything was where she had remembered it being.

It wasn't so bad, not yet at least. She took a few steps into the room and turned on the light. And she was right, there were toys scattered on the floor, the bed was unmade. There were motorcycle posters on his walls. It was all as it had been months ago.

She had the urge to start cleaning the room, to start putting his toys away for him and make his bed and tidy up his dresser. She had even begun to crouch down and collect a couple items to take over to his chest, but she couldn't go through with it. Something about disturbing the room felt wrong. It felt too final. Instead she placed them back onto the floor and went to sit down on the edge of his bed.

A small sigh was emitted as she took another glance around the room. She couldn't figure out how she felt. She couldn't decide if she was and at herself for coming in here, if she felt bad about breaking her promise, or if she just felt empty being in here knowing that Thomas would never be able to play in his own room ever again.

There was a book on the nightstand next to a glass that used to contain water that had caught her attention. It was _If You Give a Mouse a Cookie_. Tears began to fill her eyes as she reached over and took hold of it. There was a page with the corner folded about halfway through. She was trying her hardest to maintain some composure as her trembling hands opened the book to the page that she left off on.

It was from the last night that he had spent in his own bed. She was reading it to him and he had started to doze off. He insisted that she stop so that he could hear the rest the next night. He even made her promise that they would finish it. Even while he was still conscious at the hospital he had brought it up once or twice that they should maybe start over because he might have forgotten something important.

"Gemma?"

She slightly jumped, but she didn't even turn to look to the doorway. She was pretty sure that Clay had a good idea of what she was doing.

He stood there, looking to her with concern. He knew better than to say anything though, she needed this. She needed to have this moment. Clay had watched this woman go through the day basically numbing herself. He was actually surprised that she hadn't broken down earlier.

"You need anything?" He offered, not sure whether to join her or to let her have a moment alone.

"He never got to hear the ending," she told him, her voice cracking as she failed to steady it.

Clay nodded before deciding to go and join her. He took the book away from her, setting it back onto the nightstand and then sat down beside her, taking her into his arms. This whole situation felt awkward to him. He knew that he hated seeing Gemma like this, but he didn't know what to do. He wasn't even sure that there would be anything that he could do.

Gemma wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. Guilt completely consumed her. All he had wanted was to be able to hear the ending of a book, and she couldn't even keep that promise. She was the one who had supplied him with the defective heart. She was the reason that he had health issues the entire time he was alive. She was the one who would have to explain to him time and time again why Jax got to go outside and play and do this and that while he had to stay home at times because he was the sick one. She did all of that to him, yet she couldn't finish reading a goddamn book to him.

After a moment passed, Gemma pushed herself away from Clay and sniffled as she looked around the room. There were a lot of random memories that came flooding back to her, so many nights that she had sat up making sure he would be all right. There were days where she would just sit in there with him and kept him company when he was stuck in bed.

"I can't be in here anymore," she stated, palming away at some of the tears.

It all hurt too much, seeing everything. It made this whole thing all too real. At least while she was just lying in bed, she could pretend that this was all some bad dream and that she would wake up and see her baby boy sitting at the table, ready for breakfast, smiling up to her.

She got to her feet and hastened out of the room, returning to her original task of getting her cigarettes. All she wanted was a minute away from everything. To just go out to the back yard and smoke a cigarette, and forget about what she had to do the next day. It wouldn't work though, there were memories back there too. But she still had to try. Anything was better than sitting in that bedroom.

Clay watched as she left. Sighing, he stood and followed close behind. He made sure to turn off the light and close the door.

"I don't think you should be driving anywhere," he mentioned as he caught her on her way to the back door.

He wasn't quite sure of what she had meant when she said that she couldn't be there anymore. The worst thing that she could do though was to get behind the wheel when she was so distracted.

Gemma stopped and turned to him. "I'm just going out to smoke. I'll be back in a minute," she told him, making sure that he got the hint that she wanted to go out alone. As much as she appreciated him, and quite honestly needed him here, she had to have a minute to herself, just to try and collect herself.

This would have been the time to tell him that maybe he should just go home. He was already up and surely he knew that he would have to leave sooner or later, if for nothing else to get ready for the funeral. But the idea of spending the rest of the night alone made her heart break even more. It would be impossible to get into that bed alone.

"Alright," he replied before taking a seat at the table. He really wanted to just head back to bed, but he wasn't sure that he could trust her. From there he could check out the window, make sure she wasn't going anywhere.

He gave her a small smile right as she was about to turn and leave. Clay knew that he really shouldn't still be here. He was risking Jax finding him or waking up too late in the morning and having to make up something to tell Jax. It just did not feel right leaving Gemma alone. She was in need of someone. She was broken and upset and needed to be reassured that everything would eventually be all right.

This was his new job now, watching Gemma. John had told him to watch her, take care of her. So technically he was just doing what he was asked to do. He was just glad that John hadn't mentioned knowing how far he was going to take care of his wife for him. He felt as though John had to know, but then again he was so distracted with trying to get out of guns that Gemma could have had two or three more kids and he might have not noticed.

That was how he rationalized this whole thing in his head: it was okay because John didn't want Gemma to be on her own. Besides, he and Gemma wouldn't be nearly as close as they are if John wasn't gone so often. So he was going to do what John was supposed to be doing, he would wait for Gemma, take her back to bed and then hold her until she finally got to sleep. He was going to be the man that John couldn't.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Stressful Morning

John stood in the bedroom, his open suitcase before him as he tossed his clothes and random necessities into it. He had to be ready to catch the plane back to California at dawn so he figured he would go ahead and get his packing out of the way and spend the rest of the night with Maureen and Trinity.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Maureen asked as she came up behind him.

She had gotten used to having him around, and so had their daughter. As selfish as it was, she wanted John to stay with her, to cut ties with Gemma. They needed him and he was pretty set on staying with them most of the time. Why not just be there full time?

"I have to go. I'm not going to be there for the funeral, but I do have to return sometime."

In short, John was not ready to return. He had known what he did, and no matter how he justified it to himself in his mind, murder was murder. This wasn't some random man out on the streets, this was his son. The doctors all said that he would never awake from that coma, and they said that even if he did, he would most likely only last a week or two before falling back into another coma or dying. Thomas had no real chance. This was the end of his life and Gemma was back there trying to drag it out.

It hurt him, the whole situation going on back home. His own son was having to suffer and there was nothing that anyone could do to help him. All he wanted was to put an end to all of it, and this was his solution, end his son's suffering and keep his wife from losing her sanity while sitting day after day beside a comatose child as if her presence would somehow miraculously cure him.

His entire family was a mess and he was doing the one thing that he could to help them. He gave Gemma a reason to move on with her life. He was giving Jax back his mother so that he could actually be properly cared for.

Even if he wasn't back at him with them, even if he was drifting away from Gemma, he still cared. They were still his family. All he had to do was make sure that they were all right and then he could move out here and stay with Maureen and Trinity.

The only problem now though, was that he knew once he saw them, he would be faced with nothing but a brutal reminder. He would see exactly what this had done to Gemma. He would see how Jax would be suffering both the loss of a brother and a parent at the same time. He would have to stand there knowing that he sped up a process and caused this.

"I just think it's a bit early. You stayed up half the night explaining to me why you couldn't be there. I really think you should give it another week," Maureen stated as she wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

A part of her was truly worried about him. She had sat up listening to him try to rationalize what he had done. In all honesty, Maureen was disgusted by the act, she hated that he even thought it was okay, even though he painted it out to be a mercy killing. On the other hand though, it did not really concern her. She was not the one who had to go through watching her own child slowly die. She didn't have to watch the disintegration of her own family.

"I'll be fine. I'm not staying long. Just long enough to check in on Gemma and Jax and then I'm right back," John assured her before turning his head and planting a small kiss on her cheek.

"Do you know when you're coming back yet?" Maureen questioned.

"No, I'll let you know. I'll call you from the airport."

She sighed as she pulled back away from him. All she wanted was some timeline for this trip. The last thing she wanted was for him to decide that maybe he should stay there. It was unlikely, he had stayed with her this whole time, but it was something that she always considered.

"Alright, just be careful," she flatly stated.

John offered her a smile. He had been aware of her jealousy. That seemed to be a trend that he looked for. He liked knowing that his woman wanted him with her at all times, and to not even be thinking of someone else.

"I don't think I have too much to worry about," he stated, meaning both that he would be returning, and that he really didn't have those feelings for Gemma anymore. He cared about Gemma, and he wanted her to be all right, but the love that he once felt for her just wasn't there anymore. That reminded him, he had to check up on her and make sure she and Jax were holding up okay. "I have to go make a phone call before dinner, I'll be right back."

The blonde nodded as she watched him leave the room. "Just don't take too long!"

oooooo

This was the morning that she never wanted to arrive. Today was the day that she had to say goodbye to her son forever. He had been dead, but there was something about the burial that made everything that much more real. It was the reassurance that everything was done and over with.

Now there would be no funeral plans to distract her mind. There would be no more people calling to see how she was holding up and then doing their best to try and talk about anything else to help keep her mind off of things. All she would be left with were her thoughts, and lately that scared the living hell out of her.

"Did you brush your teeth?" Gemma flatly asked as Jax passed her in the hall while going from the bathroom to his room.

Right now, she just wanted to focus on getting Jax ready for the day. Getting herself ready seemed to be a losing battle. There were still dark circles under her eyes, and no matter how much make up she applied, she still appeared to be pale. She looked worn and sick. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't about to be the center of attention.

People were about to approach her, tell her how sorry they were and that they would do anything for her if she needed it. All she really wanted to do was get away from everyone and everything and curl up in a ball. She wanted to get back into bed and just forget about all of this, sleep for about a week.

"Yes."

Jax wasn't sure how to feel today. At first he missed his brother, but then he just got used to him being gone. He wasn't so sure why it was a big deal that he was dead now, it wasn't like he was actually here before he died. And when he would go see him in the hospital, he was sleeping, just sleeping.

More than anything, he had been mad at Thomas. First, he just completely left him. They would play together everyday, even when he was sick, Jax would go into his room and they would find something to do. They would do almost everything together, well, when Opie wasn't around. Either way, he wasn't there anymore.

If the abandonment wasn't enough, he also had to chase away their father and steal away their mother. Jax was only eight, but he was able to make a few connections here and there. He could tell that John was around less and less as Thomas got more and more sick. He could see the toll that it was taking on Gemma. She was suddenly too busy sitting at his bed side to deal with anything at home. Now that he was gone, maybe John would come back, maybe Gemma would start being his mother again.

In the back of his head, he knew that it was wrong to feel the way that he did. He couldn't help it though, whenever there was something wrong with Thomas, it was a huge deal. Everyone always cared about Thomas and how Thomas was doing.

The young boy went straight into his room. All he wanted was to get this day over with and get back to school. At least there not everyone around him was all depressed and crying. It was normal there.

Gemma started to follow her son into his room. She had to tie his tie for him and get his shoes for him. She knew he was going to try to wear his tennis shoes, but there was no way that was going to happen. And there was the fact that she wasn't all that sure as to where his dress shoes actually were.

The phone rang, causing her to stop in his doorway. Right now was not the time for her to be talking to anyone. She knew that she had to answer it though, it could be anyone. For all she knew, it could be Clay calling to tell her that he was going to be late or that someone else was going to have to get her.

"I'll be there in a minute to help you with your tie," Gemma sighed as she turned and hastened down the hall and towards the kitchen.

"Hey," she curtly greeted upon picking up the receiver.

"Gemma? It's John."

John. It had to be him, right now. There was a wave of emotions unleashed within her as soon as she had heard the voice. This man was the one that she had trusted with her very life for years. She married him, kept his home for him, did everything he told her to, raised his kids, and now here she was suffering alone. She had been a model wife to him, and he still decided that it was better to leave. She wasn't sure whether to be mad or hurt, or upset. All she knew was that he was lucky he was in another country because she wanted nothing more than to wrap her hands around his neck.

"What do you want?" She coldly questioned.

The iciness in her voice came as no surprise to him, yet he still flinched at her response. He knew that she would be mad, and that was expected. He just couldn't be there right now and there was nothing that he could do to change that.

"I'm sorry, I'll be there as soon as I can," he said as though it would actually mean something to her. More than anything, it was just one of those formalities that you utter when you have to try to comfort someone from a distance.

"You should be here now," she sternly said.

Gemma didn't care what the protocol was for talking to your husband. She didn't care that she was supposed to obey him and put his work for the club before anything else - she was hurt by the one person that she never thought could hurt her. It was wound that could never truly heal.

"Mom!" Jax called.

She closed her eyes and huffed in annoyance. "I'll be there in a minute!" She responded, briefly covering the receiver with her palm. Although why she decided to do anything polite for John, she had no idea. It wasn't as though she cared if she yelled in his ear.

"Look, I have to get ready to go bury our son. I'll talk to you when you finally decide to come home," she explained before hanging up the phone. She didn't even want to give him the chance to say goodbye.

She took a moment, leaning against the doorway as she covered her eyes with her hand. All she wanted was to find a way to get through today without any issues. The main goal was to get back home as soon as possible and get back into bed. John's calling didn't help. All it did was remind her of how lonely she was in all of this.

Sure, Clay was there and he was great. He did everything he could to help her, but John was the father of Thomas. It felt as though she were the only parent truly mourning her child. John was supposed to understand what she was going through and help her through it, they were supposed to help each other.

She dropped her hand to her side with a sigh and pushed herself off the doorframe. Clay was going to return any minute and they would have to be ready to leave right away.

Upon turning around, she started towards the bedroom. She was stopped by the sight of her youngest son's door wide open, it slowed her pace and her mouth fell slightly agape. Her heart was instantly broken at the thought of her baby's room being disturbed.

"Jaxson!" She yelled as she got to the doorway. She could see Jax in there going through Thomas's closet.

Jax hurried to his feet, knowing full well that he had upset his mother. He knew that she didn't want him in there, but he could remember that Thomas had more room in his closet, some of his things were being stored in there.

"I thought my shoes would be in here! I couldn't find them in my room or the closet," he explained."Go wait for me in my room!" Gemma demanded as she pointed towards her bedroom.

Jax lowered his head before leaving the room. "You know he doesn't care," he mumbled under his breath as he passed her.

Gemma's face softened as she softly gasped. She wasn't so sure as to what it was about his words that hit her so harshly, but they did. It was some subtle reminder that Thomas really was gone. And she knew that she was being sort with Jax, and that she really shouldn't be pushing him away right now, but she couldn't help it.

Clay, who had just pulled into the driveway, let himself into the house. He had witnessed a little bi of what had just happened and figured it best to not intervene. Now that they were done though, he thought it would be all right to approach her."Gemma?"

"What!?" Gemma snapped without thinking about it as she wheeled around to face him.

Clay didn't flinch at her words. He knew that she would be edgy, and all he wanted was to just get them both to the cemetery. "I just wanted to let you know I was here. We gotta be there in twenty."

Gemma thickly swallowed, nodding."We'll be ready in a minute," she distantly told him, her eyes wandering back to the room.

After last night, it was obvious to him just how much that room meant to her. Taking a few steps forward, he peeked into the room, looking for where Jax had been. It was messy to begin with, so he couldn't even see a difference. He was sure though that Gemma could see every little thing that had been moved.

"He didn't really mess anything up in there," he informed her, before looking to her to see whether or not he made things better.

"Don't," she replied.

It did mean something to her that Clay was doing his best to make her feel better, but no matter how grateful she was for his attempts, they just didn't change anything. Thomas was still gone and his room had still been messed with.

They both kept the silence between them as she finally made her way to her room to go and finish getting them both ready to go. It hurt Clay to see her this broken, he just wished that he could fix everything for her. The most he could do was just be there, stay the night tonight and make sure that she's all right. He could help out with Jax for the next few days if he had to.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Home Coming

"How is she doing?" Unser questioned as he approached Clay.

It had been a mostly normal day at Teller-Morrow. A few of the men were working on repairing cars, a couple others were sitting out at the table, and then a couple in the clubhouse. The only real difference was that there was this awkward silence that seemed to overtake the place.

The president's son was buried yesterday. A young child. That alone was enough to make grown men struggle to find the appropriate things to say. To make matters worse, the father wasn't even at the funeral. They were all upset with John, wondering how he could leave his family out in the cold. They all knew about Maureen, however, no matter what they knew, he was their president and it wasn't their place to question him.

The situation, as disturbing as it was, made it even harder for any of them to approach Gemma. They pitied her and Jax, but knew that she would hate that. And no one wanted to tell her that John would come back when none of them actually knew that for sure. And no one wanted to be the one to mention that he might just end up staying in Ireland and leave her completely.

"She's managing," Clay replied, closing the hood of a car that he was currently fixing.

Unser softly scoffed at the answer. "What exactly passes as managing?"

Clay shrugged as he walked over to grab a rag to clean his hands. He himself wasn't sure of what to consider good or bad with her anymore. Sure, she was still functioning, just barely. Whenever he saw her there was a dullness to her eyes. The life had been completely sucked out of her. Nothing seemed to mean anything to her anymore. She didn't appear to actually feel anything, but that could be attributed to the fact that she had decided it was better to simply just be high all day.

"I got her out of bed this morning for an hour to eat," he replied.

Wayne nodded, taking a seat on the stool. He knew that Gemma would have a hard time moving on from this. It would be a while before she was even close to being the same person she was before Thomas got sick, that was, if she even would return to who she was. It was likely that this would completely change her permanently.

"Jax?" He inquired, thinking it best to move the subject along.

"He insisted on going to school so I dropped him off," Clay answered without giving it too much thought.

He knew that it was a little soon for him to be returning, but he knew that Jax probably wanted for things to return to normal. It was best for Jax to be getting out and going to school, getting his mind off of things. And realistically, this was probably better for Gemma. She needed the time to herself, less time worrying about taking care of Jax.

Clay had also begun to notice that the two were fighting now, Gemma and Jax. It was as if they just had no idea how to be in the same room anymore. Perhaps some time apart was what they needed.

Unser looked down to the ground for a second, scratching the back of his neck. he figured that that probably made things a little worse on Gemma, having her child leave her so quickly after Thomas's death. It wasn't as though Jax was running away from her, but he knew how clingy Gemma could be, especially after she lost someone.

"I was thinking of stopping over there. You know anything I could take over there that she needs?" He asked, looking to Clay.

"I know she won't want it, but try getting her something to eat," he answered.

"Alright. I'll talk to you later."

Clay was about to go back to work, but there was something that had been bothering him. If he was going to go see Gemma later, he figured that he might want to have some answers for her in regards to what John was and why he wasn't here.

"Hold on a sec!" He called out to him, stopping the policeman in his track and getting him to turn his attention back to Clay. "Have you heard anything from John?" It was unlikely, but it was worth asking.

Wayne shook his head. "I figured if anyone was gonna hear from him that it would've been you, or someone else here."

"Right," Clay replied as he watched Unser get back into his car.

It was starting to make him wonder why John hadn't even bothered to call any of the men. Usually he would try to keep everyone updated on how things were going in Belfast, the progress that he had made and what had to be done to get out of guns. Even if there was just a small deal that had been made, he would make sure to tell someone, especially him since he was the vice president. It was starting to seem as though he had stopped caring.

oooooo

"The teacher told us that you'd probably be gone today," Opie said as he approached his friend.

Jax sat on the steps rather than playing with anyone during recess. Although he was glad to be out of the house, he still did not feel like socializing. He knew that the kids would be asking him awkward questions, wanting to know what it was like going to the funeral and how come he came here when he could have stayed home.

"I hate it at home," he wearily stated.

"More than you hate it here?"

Jax rolled his eyes. He knew that his friend meant well, but this whole subject was getting tiresome.

"Do we seriously have to talk about it?" He asked.

Opie took the hint. He wasn't all that sure of what Jax was going through, but he had figured it was bad. He had overheard his father offering to let Jax stay with them for a while and he had seen Gemma, how depressed she looked. He figured that if he were in the same situation that he would probably want to ignore it too.

"You missed a test," he mentioned in hopes of lifting his mood.

"Good. I'll go home late today," he replied, beginning to slightly smile.

"You want the answers?" Opie casually offered.

"How would you have them?" Jax inquired, looking over to Opie with surprise. It was no secret that neither of them truly cared about their grades, but if either of them could score and easy A, why not?

Opie laughed as he looked up to Jax. "I don't, but I'm sure someone does."

"Thanks," Jax replied sarcastically as he looked back down towards his lap.

"Anytime."

oooooo

"Gemma?" Unser called as he entered the house through the back door.

Although he was glad that he could just walk inside, he was a little worried about the fact that the door was unlocked. Normally it wouldn't have been a big deal, but Gemma wasn't herself lately. He wasn't so sure that she would be able to defend herself if someone broke in, or even more concerning, he wasn't sure that she would care.

He closed the door behind him and sat the bag of food down onto the counter. It was only a couple of meals, but at the very least he took care of today's dinner for both her and Jax.

"Gemma?" Unser called out once more.

Gemma made her way to the kitchen entrance. She was in flannel pants and a loose t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. It was an attire that John hadn't even seen in a while.

"What do you want?" She asked rather sharply.

The man looked over his friend, finding it rather unsettling to see her like this. Of course, he had expected her to let herself go during this time, but she looked so frail, so fragile compared to how she had presented herself at the funeral.

Another thing he noticed was her glazed eyes and the smell of weed. It was probably the only reason that she was even ready to talk to anyone at this point.

"Just came to check up on you."

Gemma nodded as she made her way over to the table and took a seat. A part of her liked that people thought to check in on her, but at the same time she really did not prefer to have people think that they should be looking after her. All she wanted was to be left alone for a while.

"I'm doing alright," she lied as she folded her arms.

"You sure about that?" Unser inquired as he leaned back against the counter.

"I got out of bed, didn't I?" She questioned. She wasn't about to be interrogated in her own house.

"What is that?" She asked, eyeing the bag on the counter.

Wayne pushed himself back up and turned to grab the bag. "I brought over some food in case you were hungry."

"You really didn't need to do that," Gemma responded, blankly staring to the food.

"Judging by how loose your clothes are, I think I did," he argued as he grabbed the bag and made his way over to the table to join her.

Her eyes followed the bag as it was set on the table. It was irritating how people thought that they could help her, fix the problem by taking care of her. She was the one that was still here, still alive and all right.

"Listen, I lost my son. I'm out of bed and alive. I can manage to take care of myself," she defensively argued, her eyes shooting up to meet his with a glare.

"Just barely." Wayne took the bag and pushed it towards her. "Now eat before it gets cold, I got you a burger. I also got one for Jax, you can warm it up for him when he gets home."

Gemma heavily sighed as she examined the bag. She was as high as a kite and she still wasn't sure that she could even eat half of a burger, or anything for that matter. Her appetite was just non-existent. There was too much on her mind to think about eating.

All she could focus on was the guilt. It was her disease that killed Thomas. She was the one that brought him into this world and allowed him to suffer. All she ever wanted was a large family, but she should have stopped after her first born. There were minor complications with Jax at first, but after they brought him home everything was fine. That was her sign to stop, and she read it as a sign that everything would run smoothly for her.

That brought along a new wave of guilt, Jax. She was well aware of the distance that was growing between them. It pained her to know that she was the reason he couldn't talk to her, but she couldn't help it. There was so much happening lately, Thomas dying, her husband leaving her to deal with everything on her own. John's whereabouts were a mystery to her anymore, he might have still been in Belfast, but the area didn't matter, all that mattered was that he wasn't here. And she was angry, and hurt, and Jax was the only one that she could really take that out on and she hated herself for it.

"You think I'm the reason he's at school today?" She flatly questioned.

Unser sighed, looking to her with pity. "I think he just needs something to get his mind off of everything," he explained.

"No. School ain't gonna do shit for that. He'd be going to the movies or something to get his mind off of things. He was desperate to get out of here," she harshly stated.

He ignored the tone of her voice. If she wanted to blame herself, there was nothing that he could do about that, but he wasn't going to sit here like a broken record and tell her that she was wrong. It would upset her and start a fight between them.

"It might do you some good to get out of here too," he suggested. As soon as the words had left his mouth, he caught Gemma looking to him as if he were insane. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna try to take you anywhere yet," he assured her.

Getting out of this place wouldn't change anything. Seeing people look to her with pity wouldn't change the fact that her son died. Hearing the same people that were calling her a whore and a bitch a month ago suddenly delivering their bullshit apologies and regrets would make her sick, but they wouldn't change the past. The genuine apologies were just as effective. Everyone was sorry, but what good did it do? Hell, she was sorry too but it didn't do shit.

"It don't matter," sighed in defeat as she lowered her eyes to her lap, speaking more about the entire situation.

"No. I guess it doesn't," Wayne replied, looking to her with concern.

oooooo

Clay sat at the bar in the clubhouse. He had to leave to pick up Jax from school in a few minutes. He had heard from Wayne how Gemma was doing, and he wasn't even sure that it was a good idea to take Jax home just yet.

He would be sticking around, so he could take care of Jax, he just didn't know if he wanted the young boy to see his mother like this. She was higher than she had been in a while. If she wasn't breaking down and sobbing, he knew that she was pretty much far gone for the rest of the night.

The phone rang, bringing him back from his thoughts. He stood with a sigh and reached over to answer it.

"Hey."

"Clay? I need you to come get me," John said.

Clay briefly closed his eyes as he did his best to maintain his composure. All he wanted to do was yell at this man, ask him how the hell he could just leave his family behind, why he couldn't even bother to show up for his own son's funeral. He wanted to ask him what the hell he was really doing in Belfast, and tell him that whatever it was, it could wait.

"Where the hell have you been?" Clay asked.

John sensed the anger in his voice, and he understood. He knew very well that the man was restraining himself, and that the only reason he was doing so was because John was still President. If it weren't for that patch, he would be attempting to strangle him through the phone.

"I've been busy in Belfast," he simply answered.

"Where are you now?"

"LA airport. I need you to come get me."

"Alright, I'll be there as soon as I can. I gotta get Jax from school first. I'll be driving the van," he explained before hanging up the phone.

He wasn't even so mad that he had to go get John and then sit in the car with him for about six hours, it was that he had to deliver this man to Gemma. She was going to be furious, she wanted to kill him as is. She wouldn't say anything though, do anything about it. She would let him sleep in bed with her, fix meals for him. She would the best old lady that she could be.

That pissed him off more than anything: the fact that she had been so hurt and that it would mean nothing. Clay was the one that sat would check on her daily, bring her home from the hospital when she was visiting with Thomas. He was the one that was there the night that Thomas died. He was the one that held her when she was in his room and hit her that he was gone. He was the one that was there with her all day at the funeral, making sure to stay close to her and then sitting there with her as she did break down once they got back to her house.

He was there throughout everything that John was absent for, and yet she was going to just allow that man back into her home and her bed without a second thought. John was able to do whatever he wanted and she wouldn't do anything about it.

Clay didn't even care that he and Gemma had to sneak around, he would do that for her. He just hated the idea that she couldn't stick up for herself.

oooooo

Gemma woke to the dark room. It took her a moment to remember what was happening, that she was in her bedroom alone and that she had fallen asleep a while ago. Her head was still foggy and she could still feel the effects of the marijuana, numbing her both physically and emotionally.

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked around the room, her eyes adjusting to the darkness and allowing her to see the outlines of the objects. There was this feeling that she had forgotten something rather important.

The last thing that she remembered was Clay stepping into the bedroom, telling her that he had brought Jax home. Then she could remember hearing him talk outside her door as she was dozing off, something about call someone if he needed anything. He had to have been talking to Jax.

She finally decided to get out of bed and head out of the room to check on her child. As she walked down the hall, she was still in a daze, her feet shuffling to get her from point A to point B.

"Hey sweetheart," Gemma softly greeted as she got to the doorway to her son's room.

"Hey," Jax flatly replied.

He didn't even bother to look up from his comic book. His mother was the last person that he wanted to talk to right now. It was obvious when he got home that she was high. She was falling apart right in front of him. She wasn't supposed to do that, she was supposed to be there for him. She was the parent here.

"I'm sorry I wasn't up when you got home," she apologized, a small effort to get his attention.

"Clay already apologized for you."

The coldness in his voice struck her hard. It was the answer to her question earlier, whether or not it was her fault that he had decided to go to school rather than stay home. She chased him away right after Thomas's funeral. She basically killed one son and was now making the other one hate her.

"Right," she distantly responded, not sure of what to say from here.

Jax sighed, annoyed with the fact that she was obviously not going to just leave. She was going to stand there and try to get him to be the perfect son and to tell her what she wanted to hear, that she was a good mother. That wasn't going to happen though. She wouldn't tell him about what was going on with his father and why he wasn't here, just that he was away on business. She basically forgot about him when Thomas was sick. She pretty much abandoned him the way that his dad did.

"I know you're high. I can smell it," he announced, finally looking up to her.

"So what?" She questioned, her expression growing stern. As she stood there and crossed her arms, she watched as Jax went back to reading. "What? You're not gonna talk to me now?"

"Why does it matter?" Jax angrily groaned.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She was trying her best to seem mad, but really it just hurt. In a way she was losing both of her sons and she couldn't bear the thought of not having Jax in her life right now. She couldn't handle him avoiding her and being mad at her. She needed him.

"Jax! What the hell is going on with you?"

"Gemma?" John called from the front door. He could hear that there was some fighting that was occurring and he wanted to make sure that his presence was known.

"Shit," Gemma softly cursed to herself.

As much as she wanted this man to be around while everything was going wrong, she could not bear the thought of having to actually be in the same room as him right now. Against her better judgement, she headed towards the living room, nearly stomping.

John watched as his wife entered the room. He wasn't sure how to react at the moment. She looked so distressed and irritated. It was obvious to him that he was part of the problem, but he also knew that it wasn't all his doing.

"I'm sorry," was all he could think to say as he stood there frozen, finally seeing what he had done to this woman.

The apology took her aback for a moment. For some reason, she had never expected to really hear him say those words to her, for him to have a genuine look of sorrow as he uttered those two little words.

Still, he could apologize all he wanted and it would never change what happened. She would take him back, considering that he was all she really had, but that didn't mean that she had to be warm and welcoming to him.

"So am I," she coldly replied, placing a hand on her hip and glancing down towards the floor. "How long are you home for this time?" She curtly inquired, looking back up to him.

He could easily see that she was sore and all he wanted to do was find a way to make it up to her.

"Just a couple days," he casually answered.

"Why?"

It seemed like the right question to ask at the time. Why did he even bother returning home? He was gone while everything was happening, did he think he could just return when he figured everything was better and easier to deal with?

"I just wanted to check up on everyone. I know it's been a rough week," he explained.

The guilt of not being there for her was starting to hit him even harder. He wanted to find a way to make things right, but he was starting to think that coming back this soon was a bad idea. All he was doing was stressing her out more than she was.

Her shoulders dropped as she relaxed. At least he had enough respect for her to not give her all of the bullshit excuses he came up with on the plane ride here. "We've been alright."

"Jax handling things?"

"Yeah," she responded, beginning to turn and head to bed. There was still that part of her that loved John though, wanted to be a good wife to him. "You need anything?" She offered.

"No," he told her as he started towards the kitchen.

"I'm gonna head to bed then."

"Alright, I'll be there in a few hours. I have a few people I gotta talk to," he explained before picking up the receiver.

"Right," she flatly said, distantly watching him for a moment before heading down the hall.


End file.
